Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Rebirth of the Phoenix




From the hot fires of the unknown to the cool breath of your dreams becoming reality.  Our latest adventure in selling our home and purchasing another was a roller coaster of emotions. I was completely in Love with our last home. We built it with our own hands, sweat and love back in 2006. The thought of leaving that beautiful home had me weeping night after night. Thoughts like: what have we done selling this place! Can we take back time and just end it all and stay right here where we are!?! What in the WORLD were we thinking selling this place! 

Though... We've had dreams... aspirations! 

On yet another turn of the roller coaster, there was the anxiety of what's the new place going to be like. More uneasy thoughts; Are we going to even fit? I HATE it!! Everyone else pissed me off because THEY liked it!! Me, I was completely unable to mentally grasp and envision ourselves here. (My expectations were not in line with actuality which unfortunately escalated my personal suffering tenfold.) I did after all, whole heartedly Love the property, the "land" that this home sits on. There are trees, TONS of them 80 foot or more surrounding the entire piece of land! There is a dry bed so close, about 100 yards away! There are deer, moose, owls, eagles, and other wildlife that come visit!! How can you not get excited about that. On evening #1 as I was putting away the kitchen, I knew... I knew this is where I was supposed to be, I did not want to leave!! 

My story is like the story of the Phoenix. I  had to go through the fires of Hell (oh my heck and was it terrifying!) to be reborn into the realization that my dreams are finally coming true. I really love that we persisted through all of the anguish and suffering!

Fast forward 2 months and... We Are HERE! And absolutely in Awe and Love! That puts me here and now at 6am, chilling on the back deck enjoying the bird song and all the new and beautiful sounds that come with living in the country. 

There were signs throughout the process that told me that I needed to be here.  Like the tiny maple tree growing outside the door of the shop, my friend Betty sent that sign, I left a maple tree from her at the old place. (God Bless Miss B, you are dearly missed and I so wish I could bring you here to show you my new place. You'd Love it!!)Then there was the BIG house we really wanted coming back on the market after we had put the offer in on this house, the pain of realizing that the BIG house with all the fun little perks like 2 shops, a greenhouse, AC, central vac, established garden, etc, etc. was NOT the "one". THIS house, though not as big, spacious, and full of perks had the land and property of our dreams! Deep down I watched these signs,  knew about them,  and understood.  
Going through this helped me realize that I have lived my life in a constant want and need. I had gotten to a point in life where things got stagnant and my habit was to continually dream about what it'd be like to.... What the possibilities are.... I don't have this.... I want that... So much so that it has formed a habit or samskara inside me that is continuing. A habit of need and want that is oh so self-defeating. I've started to try to put in check when this happens, so I'm continually reflecting to help myself realize that: hmmm, actually I don't want to be there... where I am right now is just right. I have everything I need and it's just right.  I'm just grateful, that I had the courage to go through the fire of rebirth and transition to get to where I am now, no matter the difficulty and emotional angst. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

WTF!



This was written in June of 2012 when my dad was sick and dying.

Holy Fuck! What a week! From the depths of depression to the highs of marijuana. My dad is dying.... I am in extreme emotional pain, yet I know this is just a part of our journeys together. And no one wants to exist having to be a burden. So here I am sitting getting pissed that I can do NOTHING! The docs here say that we just need to make him comfortable. I have taken upon myself to call U of U and make an appointment for dad on July 2nd at a heart clinic. BUT is it going to hurt him more my stubbornness because I am not ready to let him go. YET it could help him really.... he is really pretty bad off though, that is what makes me worry...

Isn't it amazing how sickness lingers.... Have you ever felt that? A traumatic event can happen and hours later the energy from it is still there. These are all things that I ponder, like when a year and a half ago dad had his mini strokes. It happened at our house, and when we came home after getting dad to the hospital, the whole house felt heavy, burdened and uninviting. Why is that? Over time yes that dissipated and went away, but I am just curious what that is. And now I feel an awe-fullness that parked itself inside my abdomen that sits lodged like a rock under my ribs.

I have been trying to let go of attachment, now not my attachment to my dad. But my attachment to the outcome of this situation. I have got to get to where I can "Let Go and Let God":

Letting Go

Perhaps the greatest lessons of my life have revolved around the slogan of the recovery movement: “Let Go and Let God”—a notion that involves relinquishing ego’s attachment to, or fear of, something. The single most pronounced attachment for most of us during the morning of our lives is the attachment to being right! There’s nothing ego loves more than to be right, which makes it an important and satisfying attachment to practice letting go of.
I seriously doubt that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t engaged in arguing about trivial matters that turned into disagreements, which had a net effect of following a road of self-righteous anger. And all of it probably seemed to be for no reason other than the need, the desire, to be right! Eventually we may look back with wistful amusement, realizing now that our fear of actually being wrong was so strong then that another person’s opinion could energize this unwanted feeling. Ego’s strategy was to be right no matter what, a highly successful maneuver that effectively distracted us from genuine purpose. Letting go of an attachment to being right can be a fairly simple exercise.
So how can you choose to let go and let God, in a quest to eliminate an attachment to being right?  You can handle it with these simple words spoken to another—"You’re right about that". It stems from a soulful decision you make that when given the choice between being right and being kind—you’ll always choose to be kind. Saying “you’re right about that” will gradually open the entry point to a road that leads through letting go and letting God to experiencing a more significant life.
Part of the meaning we gain by letting go is a movement toward real contentment. Most stress in our lives results from hanging on to beliefs that keep us striving for more, because ego stubbornly believes we need it. When we make the shift away from attachment, the influence of our ego fades. We replace attachment with contentment. Chasing and striving—and then becoming attached to what we chased after—is a source of anxiety that feeds Ambition, but it won’t satisfy the need for Meaning at our soul level.

 Wow, I am even having trouble putting this blog post on my own blog from Wayne Dyer because my ego is all "Bull Shit! You can save him, you can make it work." 

Honestly, I am a little, wait no A LOT, pissed that we were told there is NOTHING we can do for him. WHY did it get to this point, WHY didn't we do something sooner then, WHY The FUCK DID WE NOT DO SOMETHING SOONER then!!! Then we have now, and it just might fucking be to late! FUCK!!!

(Ok, sorry that is me the youngest child, throwing a little adult tantrum. Please forgive me, after all what is a word?)

I do think my decision to make that appointment was a good, yet at the same time we are being told it's over. So what are we to think................................................................................................................
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...............................................................................................................and think, and think, and think.

I have wanted this blog to be something to learn from and I am really having a hard time figuring out what you will learn from me going through this awfulness. Still, I just have to get this out, I have to get it off my chest, because I am dying inside (at least it feels like it). I know I have to accept whatever fate comes, and at least I get the chance to be there and tell him I love him. But it sure doesn't make it any easier.







Thursday, March 20, 2014

Oh Gossip..

Oh Gossip, 

How you grip me and take me away.


It has come to my attention lately that I am enamored by gossip. There is a scenario going on within a group of friends of mine that is Very Intriguing! I find myself eager for information at each new event that comes along as though it is good. But people's lifes have been ripped into oblivion. People have lost jobs, children have been picked on, and grown adults have created all of this! It is actually Terrifying to hear that a grown person can lie, cheat, and steal their way through life without caring about the people and children they are affecting. Now maybe you understand why I feel at least "some" amusement in hearing and learning about what is going on. I find myself wanting more. Maybe it is because I believe the people who are being mean are possibly going to get it in the end, because I DO NOT like the idea of children being bullied by adults! Maybe it is that I believe "Good will always prevail", I'm not sure. What I do know is the adults who are, as we believe, on the good and correct side of this situation are hammering away at eliminating these mean adults so they can help the other adults and children who have had the misfortune to be placed in this horrible situation.

I sit and question myself though, why does this pull me in? What about it gives me some form of satisfaction? And how do I react to this situation, without making it worse??  I have a lot of passion towards the rights of people, the fair and just treatment of people, and a lot of anger at how these people are being treated. I understand also that putting my anger into the situation will not help anyone, but how can I help?

Another situation I found myself in the other day was some friends chatting in a circle. I heard one say "and she was at my house for an hour and a half". While another person stated, "yea, she can talk forever and you can't get rid of her". I found out who it was and immediately stated "and all she talks about is herself" without even thinking. Within myself at that moment, I stopped! Looked at each of the girls, knew what I was saying was NOT doing any of us any good, and then immediately said, "but I really Love her she is a good person". But I was that second too late!! I really do Love this person, but I had gotten hooked into the drama and contributed.... shameful!! I was glad that I was able to stop myself and stand back almost immediately from the situation and think then regroup. It did bring the conversation to a halt and we all went on to something different, but the damage was done by all of us.

Why is it that when situations come up like this that you get "Pulled" into them. I did not even think before I blurted out "yea and all she does is talk about herself!" It is very difficult not to get hooked into gossipy conversations, AND once you are in, each person feeds off of the others, which can result in an hour long gossip session that is really doing NO ONE any good! While hurting EVERY SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED!

I honestly have zero answers on how to stop gossip, the only thing I know right now is that we need to be conscious of what is going on around us. We need to Notice when we get hooked into these situations. Then we have to make a choice in that moment to Not get pulled in. I posted a picture on Facebook today



I guess if we pay attention we will Realize that we don't have to be a part of gossip. Ultimately why it feels good is because we are making someone else wrong and ourselves right. Taking someone down to lift ourselves up. What if?? What If?!? We lifted each other up and believed that whatever "thing" that is happening to or whatever "thing" someone said is just it. Just plain ole the way it IS! Does it really matter? What if?? We stopped fighting and started enjoying, living, loving, and LIFTING each other?


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Happy Birthday Mason!

I am shocked and amazed at how time grabs you and takes you on a ride, and when you wake up.... you struggle to remember what has happened. Sometimes the past can be a bit blurry and dreamlike. 


I haven't posted a blog in MONTH's, I don't know if it is because of my father passing away, or if I am just cranky, but I have shut EVERYONE out of my life! I have struggled to regain Heart, Spirit, Love, Compassion, friendship, etc. I could feel it in there, but to release it has been maybe too painful? So today I am forcing my "Heart" out of it's box! It is TIME to release it and let the Love flow.


And what better reason than a Birthday!! 


I am so amazed daily to look at my son and see what he is becoming! Every Single Day he grabs me by the heart strings and tugs at them. If it is making up silly different kinds of kisses to say goodnight (giant troll kisses, fireman kisses, I bet you wanna know what they are, don't ya), tucking me into bed when I have a migraine and go to bed before him, or asking still, at 8 for a good night lullaby. The same one that we've been singing since he was a baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LIcNm0uiEs and now he personally knows one of his angel friends guarding over him.
What a blessing!

video

The other day he told Derick and I about a new kid that has came into his class. He told us how the boy was being mean and saying rude comments to him about his family as they were standing in line. Then the boy decided to punch Mason in the shoulder. Mason told him "that didn't hurt"; so the boy punched him again; Mason stated "That didn't hurt, stop it!" Well I guess this happened several times, until a teacher noticed and came to check on them. They each told her their stories and the new boy was sent to the principals office, while Mason was sent to class. The amazing thing about this story is a year ago our boy would NOT have just told the kid to "stop it!", he would've tackled the kid to the ground and pummeled him and been sent to the principal's office as well. 
We told Mason how proud we were of him and his ability to keep level headed and speak up for himself. He handled that tough situation Perfectly!
Now to work on keeping that level head with his sister!


Here is one more fun and delightful story about Mason that will also make you smile and let you know what Fun this kid brings into our lives:
The other day while I was switching the laundry, Mason was in the living room getting his soccer gear on and started hollering at me. 
Here is what happened:

Mason: Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM!!! Watch this!
Me: Yes Mason.
Mason: (Making clicking noises with his tongue with each step of tying his shoe.)
Me: Wow, dude where did you learn to do that?? (Spoken excitedly and with great exaggeration.)
Mason: Oh, just some lady.
Me: Yeah! What lady?? (Thinking he was going to say "oh my teacher")
Mason: Some lady named JANECE! 

See what I mean about the kid pulling at your heart strings, and he does it without even knowing. 
His heart is in such a place that he doesn't realize that he is Loving, he IS just what God gave him.


How many times do we shut out our God given Love? We are trained from an early age to
Edge God Out (EGO),
what a wonderful example to me of Love and Heart and Kindness.
Happy Birthday Mason! I am blessed to have you in my Home, in my Heart,
and on this Earth in this Fabulous Family!!
I Love you to the Moon and Back!


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So Close Yet So Far Away...

What a Summer (Sheep Creek) Part 3


One of my favorite things about hiking is walking into the "unknown" with mother nature as my guardian. When I was a kid I loved being enclosed in small secret spaces looking out, it made me feel sheltered and protected, and has manifested into my Love of Nature today. After the fateful Alaska Basin fail, we kept on hiking, building muscle and stamina. The above picture is from our hike up Sheep Creek which is a 3000 foot elevation gain in I think 5 miles. Oh mama, it was grueling!!



Another hike of our dreams that my dad has told us about for years has been to go to Waterfall Canyon, which from the above picture you can see was only a mile away, but after climbing 3000 feet, the trail drops into Waterfall Canyon that entire mile. I was not sure I'd be able to make it back up and out if we got all the way down in. The below picture is the view west down into Waterfall Canyon. There were some deer about 400 yards away just grazing having a beautiful day.


The picture below shows the view to the east towards the Snake River and Swan Valley. This is where we came from, straight up the mountain, you can see a sliver of the river if you look close.


All in all a Fabulously demanding day hiking, but yet again a trail fail. We didn't hit our goal of Waterfall Canyon. Yet....



Thursday, March 14, 2013

Is it all Mumbo Jumbo?

It is amazing to me how the Universe works. I have been getting down on myself lately, questioning why I post so much "positive", "new age", "enlightening", mumbo jumbo on Facebook. While at the same time questioning whether people are thinking I've gone off the deep end and gone Wacko Jacko! To set everyone straight, I have been studying Quantum Physics, Spirituality, and ANYTHING related. To me this shit is AMAZING, my only regretful notion about all this inspiration is the fact that I hardly ever get to talk to anyone about this fun and exciting way of looking at life. In fact I could help people with what I know, I am sure of it!

The transformations that have occurred in my life since I started my "Journey into Inspiration" are immeasurable! My husband and I get along so much better, we still get mad at each other, but we don't put each other down like we used to. Like this morning, I was putting my homemade (chemical free) deodorant on my feet to soften and exfoliate them, (the same exact stuff he uses on his hands to soften them up after a long day of work). Well he walked in and gave me a look like "what in the world are you doing putting that on your feet!?!?" in turn I immediately got defensive and said "What?!?!" and gave him the same horrifying look. A small bantering back and forth ensued and he left me to my foot softening scrub. Immediately, I was amazed at myself and regretting how quickly I had jumped back into that die hard habit of bad self defeating/world defeating behavior. (Which I am proud to say is a fraction of what it used to be!) And how I knew that if I would have just stated to him what I was doing, and that what his look said to me hurt, we could have saved ourselves some stress. Well, I finished getting myself ready, while wallowing in my shame, wondering what the heck I was thinking! A few minutes later he came in to brush his teeth and said "Sorry Hon". Without hesitation, I told him "I'm sorry too" and gave him a kiss. That my friends is growth. Moving from a mistake to a miracle. And yes it is a miracle in this world today, because how many people can have an instance like that last for 5-10 minutes vs days. (2-4 days was our old way of living.)


Another transformation has been with our children, there used to be daily, no wait, hourly screaming matches when Alexa got home from school. Now we get a day or two in there without them. Mason too has changed, like last night he stated to his father that "Meditation works Dad, it helps your heart and everything." So they worked out for a bit then meditated together. Not to mention the good habit my kids have gotten into about doing chores. To go from telling our neighbor "We never have chores", (Which provoked them getting chores!) to doing them on a semi-regular basis. Don't get me wrong we still have our fair share of dysfunctions, Alexa doesn't want to hang with the family, while Mason is getting in fights at school. But from what I have learned from my listening to audio books and studying the dimensions of our Universe, I am moving toward a better life and I am so much happier. And isn't that what we are here for? Moving toward what feels good and makes us happy.


So my whole reasoning for writing this post today is the fact that I have been "feeling bad" about posting what I post all the time on Facebook. Well, I have a friend who has her own blog (which inevitably makes me cry every single time I read it!) and she mentioned one of my Facebook shares on her post today. Which of course made me cry again, and made me realize maybe, just maybe my efforts aren't so futile. If I can help one person have a single moment in their life that is better than it would have been without my effort, maybe I have done some good in the world today.

Thank you Rach, for today's Inspiration! I Love It!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What are Limitations?

 What are Limitations?

This morning Alexa came to me and said "Mom! I am wearing pink and black boots, black pants, a black polo, pink and black suspenders, and a pink and black jacket! With a pink hair feather!"

I told her "Alexa you look Amazing!! Can I take a pic??"


Well this got me thinking.... She goes to a school where they have a strict dress code, (solid color polos and basic plain colored pants) and within this code, she is still able to be her own beautiful individual!! 

So here is my "Life Lesson" on this experience today. She is limited to what she can wear, but within that limitation she was able to extract her own personality out. How many times in life do we "perceive" something as a limitation? But if we were to accept this supposed limitation, and detach ourselves from it, then we are able to bring forth a new perspective and 
accept "what is" and actually be so much happier than before the limitation was in our consciousness!!

Thank you Alexa for today's insight! 
I Love you so much!