Dark Night of the Soul

I found this Eckhart Tolle quote that describes the meaning of  a dark night of the soul:
The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time.  Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.

I have been going through this exact thing the past few days, where my mind has run wild with demons. I have been feeling worthless and stupid! I don't contribute to my home, I don't have the money to buy all those stupid things I see on social media that would "supposedly" make my life 1000 times better!! Everyone seems to have money for traveling, I don't. I have so many dreams and aspirations, yet none of them have come true. My body, my hair, UGH my clothes!! This is all the important stuff, ya know! Ugh again, why in the heck am I worried about these material things when I should be content, I should be happy, I have a lot!! I work hard, and give a lot! Back and forth that boat rocks, never ending, never ceasing!

I am not writing this to ask for pity, I don't even want your sympathy. This is why I never tell anyone about my pains or stresses because that: "Ohhh, I am so sorry!", the "Big Hugs!" honestly does nothing for me other than make me feel worse! Please if you see me just act as though all is well because honestly, it is! I would always take a big silent hug from anyone that would be willing to give one, though! Haha!!

The reason I am writing this is that I have been through this many many times, and I have learned to get myself out! I want to HELP others when in this same situation! I know and understand on a deep level that this is only a temporary state of being, I understand on a profound level that if I "allow" my thoughts and feelings to come in and go out, rather than get stuck inside my chest, or my neck actually, that is where all my stress goes! My recovery will come 10 times quicker when I allow, instead of lasting 100 times longer when I resist.

Last night I was feeling as though my emotions were an ocean storm, I was stuck at the bottom of a Huge wave. The water loomed over me, seeming to want to crash on top of me, where I would drown. I have felt depression many times in my life and it always seems, while I am in it, to be worse every single time! I always wonder if I am going to get out!! I just don't know if I can take it! As I was crying in bed all by myself, trying to work through the pain my mind was going through. I was waiting for that wave to gobble me up! (This is an actual internal fear of mine; the thought of drowning.) I looked around it was a giant round wall of water that was so deep that you could almost not see the top! In that moment I made a decision to allow all that pain and sorrow to take me over. I chose to allow those walls to come over me. I told myself okay, yes you are here, you are in a bad place. I looked up at that wall of water and I let it fall...I allowed all that emotion in, the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between! This made me cry even harder! What is interesting is, that in allowing all that pain in, allowing the tears to wash over me, they only lasted a few moments.

When I was able to envision that lurking ocean swell again, I looked up and I was suprisingly still deep down inside, but then I noticed something. It was small at first because it was so far away, like looking out of a monstrous well, the top was so so far away, yet soooo very bright. There seemed to be a disturbance in that light above me, my eyes had to focus. When I was finally focused on the disruption on the surface of the water. I saw that at the top of that wall was everyone I Love! I saw my mom, my dad, I saw my husband, my children, my family, ALL of my beautiful supportive friends, even angels! There were hundreds of them reaching down, throwing me ropes, and helping me climb and clamber out of that hole! Then I fell asleep.

Now the reason I don't want your sympathy is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I Will Get Out of my funk! I am the only one responsible for doing that so nothing you say, do, or whatever will help me. Honestly! What I want you to do is to show others, this simple note. This simple process of allowing. Maybe, we can help someone else get out of that same horrible funk! Maybe we can save a life. I feel that is why the Universe takes me there semi-often, is to receive the knowledge of how to guide another while in the midst of despair, toward those Loving arms reaching out to help.