This was written in June of 2012 when my dad was sick and dying.
Holy Fuck! What a week! From the depths of depression to the highs of marijuana. My dad is dying.... I am in extreme emotional pain, yet I know this is just a part of our journeys together. And no one wants to exist having to be a burden. So here I am sitting getting pissed that I can do NOTHING! The docs here say that we just need to make him comfortable. I have taken upon myself to call U of U and make an appointment for dad on July 2nd at a heart clinic. BUT is it going to hurt him more my stubbornness because I am not ready to let him go. YET it could help him really.... he is really pretty bad off though, that is what makes me worry...
Isn't it amazing how sickness lingers.... Have you ever felt that? A traumatic event can happen and hours later the energy from it is still there. These are all things that I ponder, like when a year and a half ago dad had his mini strokes. It happened at our house, and when we came home after getting dad to the hospital, the whole house felt heavy, burdened and uninviting. Why is that? Over time yes that dissipated and went away, but I am just curious what that is. And now I feel an awe-fullness that parked itself inside my abdomen that sits lodged like a rock under my ribs.
I have been trying to let go of attachment, now not my attachment to my dad. But my attachment to the outcome of this situation. I have got to get to where I can "Let Go and Let God":
Letting Go
Perhaps the greatest lessons of my life have revolved around the slogan of the recovery movement: “Let Go and Let God”—a notion that involves relinquishing ego’s attachment to, or fear of, something. The single most pronounced attachment for most of us during the morning of our lives is the attachment to being right! There’s nothing ego loves more than to be right, which makes it an important and satisfying attachment to practice letting go of.
I seriously doubt that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t engaged in arguing about trivial matters that turned into disagreements, which had a net effect of following a road of self-righteous anger. And all of it probably seemed to be for no reason other than the need, the desire, to be right! Eventually we may look back with wistful amusement, realizing now that our fear of actually being wrong was so strong then that another person’s opinion could energize this unwanted feeling. Ego’s strategy was to be right no matter what, a highly successful maneuver that effectively distracted us from genuine purpose. Letting go of an attachment to being right can be a fairly simple exercise.
So how can you choose to let go and let God, in a quest to eliminate an attachment to being right? You can handle it with these simple words spoken to another—"You’re right about that". It stems from a soulful decision you make that when given the choice between being right and being kind—you’ll always choose to be kind. Saying “you’re right about that” will gradually open the entry point to a road that leads through letting go and letting God to experiencing a more significant life.
Part of the meaning we gain by letting go is a movement toward real contentment. Most stress in our lives results from hanging on to beliefs that keep us striving for more, because ego stubbornly believes we need it. When we make the shift away from attachment, the influence of our ego fades. We replace attachment with contentment. Chasing and striving—and then becoming attached to what we chased after—is a source of anxiety that feeds Ambition, but it won’t satisfy the need for Meaning at our soul level.
Wow, I am even having trouble putting this blog post on my own blog from Wayne Dyer because my ego is all "Bull Shit! You can save him, you can make it work."
Honestly, I am a little, wait no A LOT, pissed that we were told there is NOTHING we can do for him. WHY did it get to this point, WHY didn't we do something sooner then, WHY The FUCK DID WE NOT DO SOMETHING SOONER then!!! Then we have now, and it just might fucking be to late! FUCK!!!
(Ok, sorry that is me the youngest child, throwing a little adult tantrum. Please forgive me, after all what is a word?)
I do think my decision to make that appointment was a good, yet at the same time we are being told it's over. So what are we to think................................................................................................................
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...............................................................................................................and think, and think, and think.
I have wanted this blog to be something to learn from and I am really having a hard time figuring out what you will learn from me going through this awfulness. Still, I just have to get this out, I have to get it off my chest, because I am dying inside (at least it feels like it). I know I have to accept whatever fate comes, and at least I get the chance to be there and tell him I love him. But it sure doesn't make it any easier.
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