To Center myself or to center myself?

I feel like the world is in chaos. What about you? I wonder if there’s a way to easily and quickly bring ourselves back to Center. (Notice the capital C) Is there a difference for you from center to Center? “c”enter to me is the middle of a circle... “C”enter is being balanced in my livelihood spiritually. But how do you Center yourself? There’s historically many options: the Buddhist’s chant mantras, Christianity would pray, and I am almost positive, in my own ignorance of other religions, that each and every other religion out there has its own way of helping us, as human beings, Center ourselves Spiritually.  

So let’s take a step back now and look at where we are in our Lives, our Country, our Universes? Notice the capital “L”, capital “C” and capital “U”? Now please try to take a step behind what you “ think” each of those words mean, like stepping behind a waterfall where you’re safe and the water doesn’t pummel you.. Is your Life Centered? Is your Country Centered?? What about your Universe?? 

How do we Center our lives within the realm of living when the world is going to Hell in a handbasket?!?!?

From my own personal knowledge, and my own personal doings, this is what I can help you with. 

Dark Night of the Soul

I found this Eckhart Tolle quote that describes the meaning of  a dark night of the soul:
The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time.  Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.

I have been going through this exact thing the past few days, where my mind has run wild with demons. I have been feeling worthless and stupid! I don't contribute to my home, I don't have the money to buy all those stupid things I see on social media that would "supposedly" make my life 1000 times better!! Everyone seems to have money for traveling, I don't. I have so many dreams and aspirations, yet none of them have come true. My body, my hair, UGH my clothes!! This is all the important stuff, ya know! Ugh again, why in the heck am I worried about these material things when I should be content, I should be happy, I have a lot!! I work hard, and give a lot! Back and forth that boat rocks, never ending, never ceasing!

I am not writing this to ask for pity, I don't even want your sympathy. This is why I never tell anyone about my pains or stresses because that: "Ohhh, I am so sorry!", the "Big Hugs!" honestly does nothing for me other than make me feel worse! Please if you see me just act as though all is well because honestly, it is! I would always take a big silent hug from anyone that would be willing to give one, though! Haha!!

The reason I am writing this is that I have been through this many many times, and I have learned to get myself out! I want to HELP others when in this same situation! I know and understand on a deep level that this is only a temporary state of being, I understand on a profound level that if I "allow" my thoughts and feelings to come in and go out, rather than get stuck inside my chest, or my neck actually, that is where all my stress goes! My recovery will come 10 times quicker when I allow, instead of lasting 100 times longer when I resist.

Last night I was feeling as though my emotions were an ocean storm, I was stuck at the bottom of a Huge wave. The water loomed over me, seeming to want to crash on top of me, where I would drown. I have felt depression many times in my life and it always seems, while I am in it, to be worse every single time! I always wonder if I am going to get out!! I just don't know if I can take it! As I was crying in bed all by myself, trying to work through the pain my mind was going through. I was waiting for that wave to gobble me up! (This is an actual internal fear of mine; the thought of drowning.) I looked around it was a giant round wall of water that was so deep that you could almost not see the top! In that moment I made a decision to allow all that pain and sorrow to take me over. I chose to allow those walls to come over me. I told myself okay, yes you are here, you are in a bad place. I looked up at that wall of water and I let it fall...I allowed all that emotion in, the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between! This made me cry even harder! What is interesting is, that in allowing all that pain in, allowing the tears to wash over me, they only lasted a few moments.

When I was able to envision that lurking ocean swell again, I looked up and I was suprisingly still deep down inside, but then I noticed something. It was small at first because it was so far away, like looking out of a monstrous well, the top was so so far away, yet soooo very bright. There seemed to be a disturbance in that light above me, my eyes had to focus. When I was finally focused on the disruption on the surface of the water. I saw that at the top of that wall was everyone I Love! I saw my mom, my dad, I saw my husband, my children, my family, ALL of my beautiful supportive friends, even angels! There were hundreds of them reaching down, throwing me ropes, and helping me climb and clamber out of that hole! Then I fell asleep.

Now the reason I don't want your sympathy is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I Will Get Out of my funk! I am the only one responsible for doing that so nothing you say, do, or whatever will help me. Honestly! What I want you to do is to show others, this simple note. This simple process of allowing. Maybe, we can help someone else get out of that same horrible funk! Maybe we can save a life. I feel that is why the Universe takes me there semi-often, is to receive the knowledge of how to guide another while in the midst of despair, toward those Loving arms reaching out to help.

TEDxIF 2017 A Full Body Experience!

Another year down with TEDxIdahoFalls! I'm still riding the waves of emotion, highs of community and excitement, lows of my own personal anguish that always seem to haunt me, and the enlightenment of all the things I've learned and experienced on this TEDxIdahoFalls
year 4 adventure. Let me take you on my journey this morning...

I had a memory pop up on Facebook that was a song by Blind Melon called Sleepyhouse.

https://youtu.be/OUjOwtbfpwo

I think I went through every single emotion possible listening to this song today, let me explain:

One of the first lines in this song is "I think that I'm going to play with some free-living lads down the street aways away" This brought to me the joy of being a kid again, and having no worries. It reminded me of Parker Kane a speaker and a beat boxer who has been passionate about making noise with his mouth since he was 9. What a wonderful experience for him to be allowed to be noisy throughout his childhood. He is now an online sensation! #lightscamerapassion

In this song it states "I'm feeling better when I'm high" and I always attributed this line to mean drug induced, but after another Saturday of TEDxIF, I'm here to tell you that there are no drugs needed to get high. All you have to do is put yourself out there doing something you're passionate about, and to have a team of supporting friends and family who are accepting, loving and kind is key. Another speaker at TEDxIF was Tammy Lane Guffy, she told me Sunday morning that she was still riding the waves of highs from the event. She spoke about putting the "pre" in appreciation. #preappreciation is thanking someone for what they're going to do before they do it. Tipping your waiter at the beginning of a meal will reset any prejudgments or current mind ramblings that may be running through their heads. What a genius idea to be able preappreciate someone. Everyone has a better experience! Which was led on by the next line in the song:

"a red light shining on a little unity" this took me to Dan Hudock's talk about being patient when speaking with people with disabilities. Dan has a stutter and reminded us all that for him to feel united with the world it takes continual constant effort. He related it to the sinking feeling of drowning. I personally hope that I can help ALL others feel comfortable when speaking to me. Thank you Dan, for the insights into your mind.

Karl Pettit talked about hunger in our own community, how everyday hard working families can have a run of bad luck and be in need of some of the simplest necessities like dinner for the night. Isn't this what we all want in life is to feel like we are accepted and part of this "unity" even in our lowest moments. I believe we all have this basic human right to feel a part of the whole.

Moving from Needs to Wants to what Steven Hatch explained is our Legacy. A legacy of the giving of your heart to others can fulfill your lifetime legacy, and Jeff Peterson's legacy is the internet, he let us know about the future of the internet, and it's all coming from our small town in Idaho called Ammon!

On went this amazing song saying "see the mistakes that I've made, no they don't seem to bother me" which led me to think of several other talks I heard Saturday night. The first one being Daniel Borup a sculptor and high school art teacher who reminded us to again be patient with ourselves and not give up. He sculpted an angry face into a smiling proud face ON STAGE! Simply exhilarating!

Ali Goljahmofrad explained to us that there's an epidemic causing all of us to inherently say to ourselves I'll be happy when..  #happywhenitis I'll be happy when I get that house, I finish school, I get that job, etc. He reminded us that we can only be happy now.

Progressing through the song it goes "as I feel the moon rise, the time that all feels is the right time" this line filled me up with so much joy emphasizing to me that ALL the speakers were telling us to be in the moment? Right now is the Right time!

The song moves along with "The candle flickers at me to say, and in my head I sometimes pray. Are you feeling fine as I was a little child" aren't we all just little children who've forgotten our roots?

Leslie Stewart reminded us how the connection and love we feel with our pets and animals can heal and lead us to healthier lifestyles as well as being a doorway to our inner most feelings that we may not even know are there. Leading us to those feelings of being fine as a child.

My second time around listening to this song was monumental, I was reminded of Craig Green asking the audience to "be" with your music, not just listen to it, but be with it, feel it, absorb it into your soul. This REALLY made the tears flow by reminding me how everything is connected in this world. If we can just sit back for a small moment and be where we are now without expectation. Wow!

Moving directly to and wrapping it all up in a perfect bundle of emotions the laughter came in the form of Karen Eddington's talk about the power of shared laughter. Karen explained how we can remove ourselves from isolation, depression, and that everyday anguish that some of us continually carry when we can share the laughter in our hearts with others. #sharedlaughter

I am so very blessed for the experiences I have had through my part in TEDxIdahoFalls and grateful to be able to share the beauty and Love that can permeate the world when just a few minds join together in unity. 

The Rebirth of the Phoenix

From the hot fires of the unknown to the cool breath of your dreams becoming reality.  Our latest adventure in selling our home and purchasing another was a roller coaster of emotions. I was completely in Love with our last home. We built it with our own hands, sweat and love back in 2006. The thought of leaving that beautiful home had me weeping night after night. Thoughts like: what have we done selling this place! Can we take back time and just end it all and stay right here where we are!?! What in the WORLD were we thinking selling this place! 

Though... We've had dreams... aspirations! 

On yet another turn of the roller coaster, there was the anxiety of what's the new place going to be like. More uneasy thoughts; Are we going to even fit? I HATE it!! Everyone else pissed me off because THEY liked it!! Me, I was completely unable to mentally grasp and envision ourselves here. (My expectations were not in line with actuality which unfortunately escalated my personal suffering tenfold.) I did after all, whole heartedly Love the property, the "land" that this home sits on. There are trees, TONS of them 80 foot or more surrounding the entire piece of land! There is a dry bed so close, about 100 yards away! There are deer, moose, owls, eagles, and other wildlife that come visit!! How can you not get excited about that. On evening #1 as I was putting away the kitchen, I knew... I knew this is where I was supposed to be, I did not want to leave!! 

My story is like the story of the Phoenix. I  had to go through the fires of Hell (oh my heck and was it terrifying!) to be reborn into the realization that my dreams are finally coming true. I really love that we persisted through all of the anguish and suffering!

Fast forward 2 months and... We Are HERE! And absolutely in Awe and Love! That puts me here and now at 6am, chilling on the back deck enjoying the bird song and all the new and beautiful sounds that come with living in the country. 

There were signs throughout the process that told me that I needed to be here.  Like the tiny maple tree growing outside the door of the shop, my friend Betty sent that sign, I left a maple tree from her at the old place. (God Bless Miss B, you are dearly missed and I so wish I could bring you here to show you my new place. You'd Love it!!)Then there was the BIG house we really wanted coming back on the market after we had put the offer in on this house, the pain of realizing that the BIG house with all the fun little perks like 2 shops, a greenhouse, AC, central vac, established garden, etc, etc. was NOT the "one". THIS house, though not as big, spacious, and full of perks had the land and property of our dreams! Deep down I watched these signs,  knew about them,  and understood.  

Going through this helped me realize that I have lived my life in a constant want and need. I had gotten to a point in life where things got stagnant and my habit was to continually dream about what it'd be like to.... What the possibilities are.... I don't have this.... I want that... So much so that it has formed a habit or samskara inside me that is continuing. A habit of need and want that is oh so self-defeating. I've started to try to put in check when this happens, so I'm continually reflecting to help myself realize that: hmmm, actually I don't want to be there... where I am right now is just right. I have everything I need and it's just right.  I'm just grateful, that I had the courage to go through the fire of rebirth and transition to get to where I am now, no matter the difficulty and emotional angst. 

WTF!

This was written in June of 2012 when my dad was sick and dying.

Holy Fuck! What a week! From the depths of depression to the highs of marijuana. My dad is dying.... I am in extreme emotional pain, yet I know this is just a part of our journeys together. And no one wants to exist having to be a burden. So here I am sitting getting pissed that I can do NOTHING! The docs here say that we just need to make him comfortable. I have taken upon myself to call U of U and make an appointment for dad on July 2nd at a heart clinic. BUT is it going to hurt him more my stubbornness because I am not ready to let him go. YET it could help him really.... he is really pretty bad off though, that is what makes me worry...

Isn't it amazing how sickness lingers.... Have you ever felt that? A traumatic event can happen and hours later the energy from it is still there. These are all things that I ponder, like when a year and a half ago dad had his mini strokes. It happened at our house, and when we came home after getting dad to the hospital, the whole house felt heavy, burdened and uninviting. Why is that? Over time yes that dissipated and went away, but I am just curious what that is. And now I feel an awe-fullness that parked itself inside my abdomen that sits lodged like a rock under my ribs.

I have been trying to let go of attachment, now not my attachment to my dad. But my attachment to the outcome of this situation. I have got to get to where I can "Let Go and Let God":

Letting Go

4/2/10 at 11:45 am  |   15 Comments   

BLOG by DR. WAYNE W. DYER

Perhaps the greatest lessons of my life have revolved around the slogan of the recovery movement: “Let Go and Let God”—a notion that involves relinquishing ego’s attachment to, or fear of, something. The single most pronounced attachment for most of us during the morning of our lives is the attachment to being right! There’s nothing ego loves more than to be right, which makes it an important and satisfying attachment to practice letting go of.

I seriously doubt that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t engaged in arguing about trivial matters that turned into disagreements, which had a net effect of following a road of self-righteous anger. And all of it probably seemed to be for no reason other than the need, the desire, to be right! Eventually we may look back with wistful amusement, realizing now that our fear of actually being wrong was so strong then that another person’s opinion could energize this unwanted feeling. Ego’s strategy was to be right no matter what, a highly successful maneuver that effectively distracted us from genuine purpose. Letting go of an attachment to being right can be a fairly simple exercise.

So how can you choose to let go and let God, in a quest to eliminate an attachment to being right?  You can handle it with these simple words spoken to another—"You’re right about that". It stems from a soulful decision you make that when given the choice between being right and being kind—you’ll always choose to be kind. Saying “you’re right about that” will gradually open the entry point to a road that leads through letting go and letting God to experiencing a more significant life.

Part of the meaning we gain by letting go is a movement toward real contentment. Most stress in our lives results from hanging on to beliefs that keep us striving for more, because ego stubbornly believes we need it. When we make the shift away from attachment, the influence of our ego fades. We replace attachment with contentment. Chasing and striving—and then becoming attached to what we chased after—is a source of anxiety that feeds Ambition, but it won’t satisfy the need for Meaning at our soul level.

 Wow, I am even having trouble putting this blog post on my own blog from Wayne Dyer because my ego is all "Bull Shit! You can save him, you can make it work." 

Honestly, I am a little, wait no A LOT, pissed that we were told there is NOTHING we can do for him. WHY did it get to this point, WHY didn't we do something sooner then, WHY The FUCK DID WE NOT DO SOMETHING SOONER then!!! Then we have now, and it just might fucking be to late! FUCK!!!

(Ok, sorry that is me the youngest child, throwing a little adult tantrum. Please forgive me, after all what is a word?)

I do think my decision to make that appointment was a good, yet at the same time we are being told it's over. So what are we to think................................................................................................................
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...............................................................................................................and think, and think, and think.

I have wanted this blog to be something to learn from and I am really having a hard time figuring out what you will learn from me going through this awfulness. Still, I just have to get this out, I have to get it off my chest, because I am dying inside (at least it feels like it). I know I have to accept whatever fate comes, and at least I get the chance to be there and tell him I love him. But it sure doesn't make it any easier.

Oh Gossip..

Oh Gossip, 

How you grip me and take me away.

It has come to my attention lately that I am enamored by gossip. There is a scenario going on within a group of friends of mine that is Very Intriguing! I find myself eager for information at each new event that comes along as though it is good. But people's lifes have been ripped into oblivion. People have lost jobs, children have been picked on, and grown adults have created all of this! It is actually Terrifying to hear that a grown person can lie, cheat, and steal their way through life without caring about the people and children they are affecting. Now maybe you understand why I feel at least "some" amusement in hearing and learning about what is going on. I find myself wanting more. Maybe it is because I believe the people who are being mean are possibly going to get it in the end, because I DO NOT like the idea of children being bullied by adults! Maybe it is that I believe "Good will always prevail", I'm not sure. What I do know is the adults who are, as we believe, on the good and correct side of this situation are hammering away at eliminating these mean adults so they can help the other adults and children who have had the misfortune to be placed in this horrible situation.

I sit and question myself though, why does this pull me in? What about it gives me some form of satisfaction? And how do I react to this situation, without making it worse??  I have a lot of passion towards the rights of people, the fair and just treatment of people, and a lot of anger at how these people are being treated. I understand also that putting my anger into the situation will not help anyone, but how can I help?

Another situation I found myself in the other day was some friends chatting in a circle. I heard one say "and she was at my house for an hour and a half". While another person stated, "yea, she can talk forever and you can't get rid of her". I found out who it was and immediately stated "and all she talks about is herself" without even thinking. Within myself at that moment, I stopped! Looked at each of the girls, knew what I was saying was NOT doing any of us any good, and then immediately said, "but I really Love her she is a good person". But I was that second too late!! I really do Love this person, but I had gotten hooked into the drama and contributed.... shameful!! I was glad that I was able to stop myself and stand back almost immediately from the situation and think then regroup. It did bring the conversation to a halt and we all went on to something different, but the damage was done by all of us.

Why is it that when situations come up like this that you get "Pulled" into them. I did not even think before I blurted out "yea and all she does is talk about herself!" It is very difficult not to get hooked into gossipy conversations, AND once you are in, each person feeds off of the others, which can result in an hour long gossip session that is really doing NO ONE any good! While hurting EVERY SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED!

I honestly have zero answers on how to stop gossip, the only thing I know right now is that we need to be conscious of what is going on around us. We need to Notice when we get hooked into these situations. Then we have to make a choice in that moment to Not get pulled in. I posted a picture on Facebook today

I guess if we pay attention we will Realize that we don't have to be a part of gossip. Ultimately why it feels good is because we are making someone else wrong and ourselves right. Taking someone down to lift ourselves up. What if?? What If?!? We lifted each other up and believed that whatever "thing" that is happening to or whatever "thing" someone said is just it. Just plain ole the way it IS! Does it really matter? What if?? We stopped fighting and started enjoying, living, loving, and LIFTING each other?

Happy Birthday Mason!

I am shocked and amazed at how time grabs you and takes you on a ride, and when you wake up.... you struggle to remember what has happened. Sometimes the past can be a bit blurry and dreamlike. 

I haven't posted a blog in MONTH's, I don't know if it is because of my father passing away, or if I am just cranky, but I have shut EVERYONE out of my life! I have struggled to regain Heart, Spirit, Love, Compassion, friendship, etc. I could feel it in there, but to release it has been maybe too painful? So today I am forcing my "Heart" out of it's box! It is TIME to release it and let the Love flow.

And what better reason than a Birthday!! 

I am so amazed daily to look at my son and see what he is becoming! Every Single Day he grabs me by the heart strings and tugs at them. If it is making up silly different kinds of kisses to say goodnight (giant troll kisses, fireman kisses, I bet you wanna know what they are, don't ya), tucking me into bed when I have a migraine and go to bed before him, or asking still, at 8 for a good night lullaby. The same one that we've been singing since he was a baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LIcNm0uiEs and now he personally knows one of his angel friends guarding over him.
What a blessing!

The other day he told Derick and I about a new kid that has came into his class. He told us how the boy was being mean and saying rude comments to him about his family as they were standing in line. Then the boy decided to punch Mason in the shoulder. Mason told him "that didn't hurt"; so the boy punched him again; Mason stated "That didn't hurt, stop it!" Well I guess this happened several times, until a teacher noticed and came to check on them. They each told her their stories and the new boy was sent to the principals office, while Mason was sent to class. The amazing thing about this story is a year ago our boy would NOT have just told the kid to "stop it!", he would've tackled the kid to the ground and pummeled him and been sent to the principal's office as well. 

We told Mason how proud we were of him and his ability to keep level headed and speak up for himself. He handled that tough situation Perfectly!
Now to work on keeping that level head with his sister!

Here is one more fun and delightful story about Mason that will also make you smile and let you know what Fun this kid brings into our lives:

The other day while I was switching the laundry, Mason was in the living room getting his soccer gear on and started hollering at me. 

Here is what happened:

Mason: Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM!!! Watch this!
Me: Yes Mason.
Mason: (Making clicking noises with his tongue with each step of tying his shoe.)
Me: Wow, dude where did you learn to do that?? (Spoken excitedly and with great exaggeration.)
Mason: Oh, just some lady.
Me: Yeah! What lady?? (Thinking he was going to say "oh my teacher")
Mason: Some lady named JANECE! 

See what I mean about the kid pulling at your heart strings, and he does it without even knowing. 

His heart is in such a place that he doesn't realize that he is Loving, he IS just what God gave him.

How many times do we shut out our God given Love? We are trained from an early age to
Edge God Out (EGO),
what a wonderful example to me of Love and Heart and Kindness.
Happy Birthday Mason! I am blessed to have you in my Home, in my Heart,
and on this Earth in this Fabulous Family!!
I Love you to the Moon and Back!